Sawyer's Book
by hubblejubble48
Summary: Sawyer find the book "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" and decides to have some fun with it.
1. Captain Underpants

**AN: I do not own any LOST or Captain Underpants characters. I give credit to Dave Pilkey for writing Captain Underpants and J.J. Abrams for writing LOST.**

* * *

Chapter 1: Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants 

Deciding there was nothing else to do, Sawyer sorted through all "his" possessions. He opened everything and scattered it everywhere. Jin watched him, thinking that Sawyer had lost it. And indeed he looked like he had. Sawyer poked everything and tasted everything that looked eatable. He smelled it all and he stared at it all. Sun walked by.

"What _are_ you doing?" she asked observing him and raising her eyebrows.

"Why do you care? Go fish with your hubby or something," Sawyer shooed Sun. Then he sat down and examined everything again. Eventually, after five hours, he came across a book.

"Finally, something to do," Sawyer picked up the small, colorful paperback book and read the title out loud. "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants? Great a kiddy book. Better than nothing," Sawyer said, cracking open the cover and beginning to read.

He read all afternoon, the lazy person that he is, and soon fell asleep. Walt ran by. He looked at Sawyer then picked up the book. Sawyer shot his eyes open and in a swift move he grabbed the boy's wrist. "AH!" Walt jumped. "I thought you were sleeping!"

"Drop the book!" Sawyer glared at him.

"But it's mine!" Walt argued.

"Not anymore!" Sawyer began to twist his wrist.

"Okay!" Walt dropped the book, a shocked expression on his face.

"Thank you!" Sawyer snatched the book away from Walt's feet and began to read once again. "SHOO!" Sawyer gestured the motion of pushing. Walt scurried off, rubbing his wrist.

Sawyer got to the middle of the book where the evil Professor Poopypants makes everyone change their name. Sawyer stopped reading to flip the pages. The following four pages explained how the Professor changed the citizen's names. Sawyer read it. Feeling dirty, Sawyer decided to go and take a bath. He knew Walt wasn't going to try to take his book again, so he wasn't worried about it not being there when he got back.

**AN: I don't know the character's middle names so I cut that part out. Here is the code to finding out your name.**

**Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:**

**a - snickle  
****b - doombah  
****c - goober  
****d - cheesey  
****e - crusty  
****f - greasy  
****g - dumbo  
****h - farcus  
****i - dorky  
****j - doofus  
****k - funky  
****l - boobie  
****m - sleezy  
****n - sloopy  
****o - fluffy  
****p - stinky  
****q - slimy  
****r - dorfus  
****s - snooty  
****t - tootsie  
****u - dipsy  
****v - sneezy  
****w - liver  
****x - skippy  
****y - dinky  
****z - zippy**

**Use the second letter of your middle name to determine the first half of your new last name:**

**a - dippin  
****b - feather  
****c - giggle  
****d - burger  
****e - chicken  
****f - barffy  
****g - lizard  
****h - waffle  
****i - farkle  
****j - monkey  
****k - flippin  
****l - fricken  
****m - bubble  
****n - rhino  
****o - potty  
****p - hamster  
****q - buckle  
****r - gizzard  
****s - lickin  
****t - snickle  
****u - chuckle  
****v- pickle  
****w - hubble  
****x - dingle  
****y - gorilla  
****z - girdle**

**Use the third letter of your last name to determine the last half of your last name:**

**a - butt  
****b - boob  
****c - face  
****d - nose  
****e - hump  
****f - breath  
****g -pants  
****h - shorts  
****i - lips  
****j - honker  
****k - head  
****l - tush  
****m - chunks  
****n - dunkin  
****o - brains  
****p - biscuits  
****q - toes  
****r - doodle  
****s - fanny  
****t - sniffer  
****u - sprinkles  
****v - frack  
****w - squirt  
****x - humperdink  
****y - hiney  
****z - juice**

**_Submit a review with your new name in it!_ Thanks a bunch! M.a.t.t.**


	2. Snickle Face

Chapter 2: Snickle Face

Sawyer came back and picked up the book again. He thought through every detail of a hilarious prank. He smirked and ran to find Hurley. "Where's the manifest?"

"Why do you want it?" Hurley asked.

"Look, I gave it to you no questions asked, now I want it back!" Sawyer told Hurley.

"I knew there was a catch. Well, I didn't want it anymore. It's in my bag," Hurley used his head to point to his duffel bag.

"Thanks," Sawyer smirked again, taking the manifest and running back to his camp area.

* * *

Sawyer spent an hour figuring out everyone's name. Sawyer did Charlie first. "Charlie Pace will now be known as Snickle Face! HA!" putting down the manifest and the book. Sawyer stood up and scanned the beach for Charlie. Sawyer slid into a conversation Charlie and Claire were having. "Hey Snickle," he interrupted Charlie. 

"What did you say?" Charlie was puzzled.

"Are you going to the name the baby Snickle Face after his island daddy?" Sawyer asked Claire. Charlie blushed.

"Snickle Face?" Claire smiled at Charlie. "What are you not telling me?"

"Nothing, I don't know what he's talking about," Charlie didn't make eye contact with Claire.

"Then why are you blushing?" Claire poked Charlie in the arm.

"Ouch!" Charlie blushed more, not wanting to say he thought of himself as the baby's island dad.

"Ya'll have fun now," Sawyer snickered, walking back to his lounged chair. Sawyer layed down and decided to sleep, there was still a smirk on his face. "Snickle Face," Sawyer whispered before he drifted off.


	3. Tootsie Fanny

Chapter 3: Tootsie Fanny

"You still didn't have to peg it at me!" Sawyer raged. "Tootsie Fanny, I want a divorce!"

"Go to hell ass hole! And what happened to Freckles? And lastly, we're not married!" she was angry that he got to laze around all day and she had to work.

"Whatever. Your not off the hook though. I don't care that you hit me, but you hit my head! Of all the places!" Sawyer followed her down the beach.

"Your lucky it was your head, I almost threw it somewhere else!" Kate kept walking and Sawyer stopped.

"You wouldn't have done that, then we'd never have children!" Sawyer said, catching up with her.

"For one thing I didn't know you wanted children and for the other thing, we're not having sex!" Kate turned on her heels and threw her pile of fire wood down.

"I know, but we will be soon," Sawyer flirted.

"I know what's coming next, you try to rape me, I escape and then whenever I'm getting involved with Jack, I think he's you!" Kate slapped him.

"You've been watching too many Soap opera's" Sawyer said, rubbing his right cheek.

"Well if you know so much about them, so have you!" Kate slapped him again, but this time it was just for fun. "And another thing I haven't been watching anything because I've been stuck on this god-forsaken island with a bunch of ass hole's who just want to sleep with me!" Kate picked up her wood and turned again.

Jin stared at her. Sun came running out of the trees. She tackled Jin.

"You want to sleep with my friend! You are an ass hole!" Sun shouted in English, punching Jin in the nose, then kicking him in the stomach.

"Holy shit! Sun stop!" Kate ran over trying to pull the angry Korean off her husband. "I was talking about Sawyer and Jack!"

"Oh." Sun looked at Jin, who had a bloody nose. "Shit. I'll see you later!" Sun had a horrified expression on her face as she darted back through the jungle. Sawyer grabbed Jin so he couldn't go after her. Kate giggled. So did Sawyer, who let go of Jin when he too started to laugh.

"So does this mean you like me?" Kate grabbed one of her bigger sticks and chucked it at Sawyer. "Day-jah-voo," Sawyer said. The stick whacked Sawyer in the spot Kate was thinking of earlier.

"Not exactly," Kate smiled.

"Sweet God! I'll never make another grammar mistake if you please help me! SHIT!"

"That's what you get, stalker!" Kate stormed off, leaving Jin laughing hysterically at Sawyer.

"It's Sawyer, Tootsie!" Sawyer called, still holding his crotch.


	4. Dinky Doodle

Chapter 4: Dinky Doodle

Sawyer had written the names of everyone he was going to torture. Next was Dinky Doodle.

"I get it; you weren't from the north so you couldn't be Yankee Doodle!" Sawyer said, approaching Sayid.

"Excuse me?"

"You couldn't be Yankee, so your mother settled for Dinky," Sawyer smiled.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Sayid said standing up in front of Sawyer.

"I'm taking about you," Sawyer grinned.

"My name is Sayid Jarrah, not Dinky Doodle," Sayid said proudly.

"Whatever you say," Sawyer started. He turned and murmured under his breath, "Dinky."

"Sawyer, I suggest you stop referring to everyone with these ridiculous names you got out of the silly child's book!"

"And if I don't?"

"And if you don't, I will personally…" Sayid stopped for a moment, "Ask Kate to hit you again!"

"You heard about that?"

"Everyone did, you were screaming like a baby!" Sayid chuckled.

"You would be to, Dinky!"

"That's it!" Sayid exploded. He pounced on Sawyer like a rabid mountain lion. Pinning him on the ground, Sayid sat on Sawyer's stomach and tried to punch him; however, he was interrupted by Saywer's hand fighting his own.

"Damn!" Both men looked towards the trees. Kate was standing near the edge. "I knew you wanted some, but I didn't know you were desperate enough to run to Sayid!" Kate laughed so hard she could hardly breathe. Sayid and Sawyer exchanged glances, and then got up. "What? Are you finished?" Kate continued to chuckle.

"Ready, go!" Sawyer yelled, and both men darted towards Kate.

"Holy shit!" Kate stopped laughed and ran into the jungle, with the angry men at her heels.


End file.
